Dear P,

                Before I start the letter, I want you to understand that I am not saying these things because of what I want you to be. It is always about what you say you want to do for yourself, and I am only here to encourage you and help you elevate yourself into who you want to be. If you don’t want these things, then you wouldn’t tell me about it. Before I go any further, I just want to clarify that I am not here to lecture you. I try to have a calm and proper tone when speaking to you verbally, while maintaining respect and honesty. If that is not how you perceive it, please let me know. In the chance that I do sound offensive when I speak to you, I have decided to organize my thoughts into a letter to make my point concise and consistent as you read through it.

                Nothing gives me a greater satisfaction than to see you succeed in everything that you do. Through the years of working in A, you have proven yourself to be an avid worker with endless professionalism. Within one year, you have exceeded everyone’s expectations and learned all there is to learn in the company. I am very proud that you are such a hard worker who can accomplish anything that you choose to put your mind into. Based on what you have described from the job, I am not so certain I could be as successful as you. P is the ever smart and confident girl that I always know and love.

                At the same time, nothing hurts me more than to see you struggle to meet your goals. The pattern that I observed is that you tend to place your personal objectives in the bottom. It just goes to show how selfless you are to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. I applaud your selflessness, and it is one of the biggest reasons why I love you. What worries me is the mental scarring that is left behind when you do not reach your personal goals. Even though you knew that they were at the bottom of your priority, it still damages your psyche to think these goals have not been met after years of setting them initially.

Surely, you have put all your left over effort on your personal aspirations, it is just not effective to spread yourself so thin. The analogy I would use would be, trying to put out a match with your spit; If you don’t put out a small fire on a matchstick when it was manageable, it will take an entire team of fire fighters just to put out the flames and salvage the remains. You mentioned to me that you don’t like to be told what to do as that makes you feel like you are not good enough. I want you to understand that is not my intention at all. I am merely warning you there are a few lit matches, and don’t wait for the flames to touch the ground.

Just like my faculty said to me, “you life is based on how you handle a situation, not luck” When you said to me that you felt hurt when I talk to you, because you feel like you are not good enough. I could have easily taken that statement selfishly and think, “wow, P thinks I am that selfish and judgmental? Who does she think I am? Why would she think I am always attacking her? Why would she question my intentions? Why can’t she believe I want her to be happy? Why is she so selfish and only thinking of her feelings when she is hurting me right now and don’t even realize it? Worst of all, if I do raise these points, P might even disregard these mental doubts I have as a joke and laugh it off. In which case, I would think that P isn’t taking me seriously, and she does not understand the hours, days, and weeks of scrutiny I put myself through to come up with encouraging material to boost her confidence. It actually discourages me to know that my words of encouragement has become fuel for the fire.

Instead, I put all my doubts behind me. I answer each and every one of those questions with the best answer; P would never think im selfish and judgmental, P thinks I am kind, P knows I would never attack her, P knows my intentions are for the right reasons, she totally believes that I want her to be happy, P is selfless in every way possible, and she would never intentionally hurt me. Because I trust that you are the best possible P that I know you to be, I don’t need to question you and escalate a situation that could become disastrous over simple communication breakdown.

I will always try my best to not take your advice personally, and I wish you could do the same for me. So P, can you please blow out the metaphorical fire on the matchstick now, instead of being offended by the fact that I have the fire department on the phone in case you don’t? Treat yourself with the same type of professionalism that you treat everything else, because no one deserves it more than yourself.

Sincerely,

T

as i was riding my bike today, i saw the traffic light turning yellow. 2 bikers were also biking towards the intersection. the one ahead kept on biking through as the light turned red without a worry in the world, and the trailer started to question herself on whether to follow or not. she let out a call of resistance and braked, while the dumbass biked through the intersection with cars ready to go in green light. luckily nothing happened. it is these seemingly normal, everyday, events that trigger my ever observant mind. ya, i`m weird like that. I am pretty sure the second biker would have stopped without questioning herself if she was alone, yet she had a moment of hesitation with so many thoughts rushing through her head simply because she was following someone else. it almost feels like one of those C++ codes of "if (light is red), then (stop the bike), elseif (following a bike)...".

In the most simplest form of the mind, a stimulus triggers a response; In this case, it would be a visual sign leading to braking the bike. However, life is never as simple as it seems. The initial stimulus of the biker was to follow along a leader, while the second stimulus presented itself as a warning to brake. In that instance, she had to choose between disregarding the second warning or she could bring forth the second stimulus and break the initial act of automaton motion. it is interesting how the mind computes these contradicting signals and respond to it. With milliseconds to react, the 20ish years of past experiences and parental teachings (or even genetics!?!) all smash together to yield a response. no codes could accommodate those experiences, but i`m sure some CS grad would disagree and write me a code to prove me wrong. ANYWAYS, so what was the point of all this? ...here it goes! "we are more than the summation of our past actions; rather, we are defined by what we learned from the past that dictates the response of the now and beyond!!!" alright im tired... its 5:27am.. wtf.... 

reality

I got to talk with b today, after not being in contact for so many years. It feels good get in touch with old childhood friend where you've lost touch with. it's kind of strange how we tend to live within our bubble of insignificance and does not realize it until something big comes along the way to shake things up and burst the bubble. b has been sick for quite some time and it has cause me to worry, yet the lack of communication with b kind of purged those feelings into hiding. it was good to hear that he is still alive and kicking in this world. my last mental image of him was 4 years ago... I wonder how much has changed since then. I pray to god that all is well, and a cure will come his way.

acceptance

So, It's the holidays again where families gather to celebrate while being in each other's company. At least, that is the theory, anyways. Although my family seems to be coming together more harmoniously this year, I can't help but notice the hardship of achieving that goal from my relatives. The situation is that my aunt and uncle's daughters have all grown up and started a family of their own. As a part of growing up, we tend to develop our own routines and beliefs. My three cousins have grown so far apart from the same mold that they can no longer tolerate each other during the holidays. The resolution for my aunt was to celebrate the holidays separately among the three cousins. I cannot believe how family members can grow so far apart that not even blood can hold them together.

We mature psychologically as we age, in an attempt to define our existence and to grasp ourselves in relation to the world. It is actually very intriguing that once we take a peek into the world, we create an altered perception of ourselves as we look back. Well, that would probably be a big enough topic to warrant another entry. Let me get back on topic. Change is natural and healthy. I am not questioning that. What perplexes me is how people cannot accept others for who they have become. It would make life so much easier if we can take acceptance as a common virtue. It is not like the holidays will be a year long gathering; No one is planning to be next door neighbors for the rest of their lives after the holidays. It is supposed to be a sweet and short allotted amount of time for families to rekindle family bonds. I believe it is the time to relearn about each other and catch up on what others are doing while sharing about our own. Again, acceptance can go a long way in these circumstances. Perhaps humans are just too selfish to see further than our own set of arbitrary rules and philosophy in which we acquired from walking down different paths. The truth is there is no right path in life. Life starts with the light shining into our eyes and ends with darkness; those are the only true constants. It is up to us whether we choose to walk in each other's arms or walk alone. I choose to walk in good company.

closing time

its almost that time of my life where the decisions i make will dictate the future in which i will walk my path. its still strange to think that a combination of half truths and predictions are utilized to make the final call. I can still remember in geometry course in HS where corollaries and postulates are SOMEHOW used to proof a theorem. ANYWAYS, apart from drifting into the realm of tangents, i can see the complicated crossroads with a mist of fog overlaying the destinations in the not so distant future. so here we are... decision decision decision. "what is the right path?" "is there a right path?" "what do i want?" "does what i choose get me to what i want?". thinking about it certainly hurts my head, but I do not believe "living in the moment" and "riding the waves" are the the types of mentality to abide to. Those sayings are just ways to cop out of having to make tough choices; in fact, i think its cowardice and sophomoric to not think about it. HEY, at least i have made a decision to MAKE a decision. yup, that's a step forward. The biggest step in facing an obstacle is to confront it, and I did that today! T is proud of self! and don't get discouraged! U CAN DO IT! HOO RAH!

and 10 minutes later: As i kept thinking negative thoughts and thinking of ways to support that negative thought, it pulled me in like a quick downward spiral of the sink drainage. I usually succumb to the self destructive phase, but i am assuming my emotional immune system had caught on and halted the process. i have a plan now... and it will be one of those basketball moments where the team runs down the clock for that final possession and goes for the win. The best way to deal with a conflict is communication. through this entry, i am able to talk to my self (HI XANGA T!). yup... xanga therapy is pretty effective!